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Finding my inspiration

I think a lot of what I’ve been labeling in myself as lazy procrastination can be chalked up to a simple lack of inspiration. I just don’t know what I want to do. We’re always told we need to have goals, big goals, so that the idea of them will push us to be successful. We’re told we need to save money and have a nice house. That we should get a good wife and start a family. That we should work hard and dedicate our time and effort to a career to support all of those things we were told we needed to have. And in that we seem to lose ourselves.

I find frequently that I am just staring into the inside of my eyelids and not wanting to open them back up. It seems to be that the day dreams are more motivating to me than the funds that hard work help us obtain. I’m simply chasing a feeling. That good feeling that convinces me that what I am doing is important, that it matters, and that it will offer me some satisfaction and pleasure as well.

Perhaps I have become broken and that chase is never ending. Just a full blown sprint on a treadmill to nowhere. Maybe it is just that I have this idea of what my ideal life would be and the thought that I’m not in it yet is discouraging me to the point of complete inaction. To be honest I’m not really sure what it is. But I know this much:

I want to change how I feel. I want to be active and strong, both mentally and physically. I want to feel content with the satisfaction of a hard day’s work doing something I find both fulfilling and pleasurable. I want to wake up and actually be awake. I want to experience life and actually feel alive. I want to be here now and I want the daily feedback from my subconscious that what I am doing is worthy of my one life, and not merely conceding to the difficult struggle and picking a route to remain comfortable rather than to grow.

I don’t feel like I am where I want to be in my journey, in fact I don’t really feel like it has began yet. But I feel like the awareness of that fact will do a number on who I am in the coming days.

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Memories of AJ Kirk

It didn’t really sink in that fast. I was scrolling though instagram this afternoon checking out some tricks people had posted after jokingly posting a rough and rather awful sketch of a fake logo for one of the guys from the IRC and then I realized what I saw. There was a post by one of AJ’s closer friends about him passing away.

I was a few scrolls down by the time I realized what I had seen. Then as I scrolled back up in saw three more posts. Might have been more actually but it was one of those, “holy shit, what?” kind of moments where you were zoned out and something insane happened. Well something insane did happen, AJ Kirk passed away.

I’m in that place where I’m not sure what to think or feel about the news. I knew AJ, probably not as well as the people posting pictures of him or videos but I knew him. I interviewed him for my website yoyocourse (when it was still around) as a player highlight when his Ringmaster yo-yo came out. I chatted with him in’s chat room. I got in trouble with him asking Takeshi to sponsor my contest on air on YoYoRadio.

At the 2005 National contest he sat between me and my buddy Matt while my mom drove us all from the hotel to Bird in Hand to spend time at the precontest hang out. He was funny, talked the whole way there, made jokes about my handle Kite, and generally was a great dude. My mom occasionally mentions him when we talk about the days we used to go to yo-yo contests as a family.

I suppose I shouldn’t draw this on too long, I was more of an acquaintance when it comes to AJ Kirk, I would send him a message probably once a year but that was the limit. That being said, when I bumped into him at nationals a few years back, 2013 I think, he treated me like a long lost friend, I’m pretty sure he offered me a beer (or tried to take one, hard to say, we were in post contest mode at that point) but he was warm and welcoming. I watched him wander into random yo-yoer’s hotel rooms several times that night.

Heck he slipped me a beer in the parking lot while everyone was watching someone do 3A for the throwdown they do. Or used, to, I haven’t been by the contest in a while… At any rate, AJ, I’m going to miss you, you held a wide spread of fond memories of mine from 2004 to 2014. Rest in peace.

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TodaysThrow – Part 60: Trick Maker Monday

Mike finally continues with normal TodaysThrow’s with Trick Maker Monday. Unfortunately he can’t remember where he left off on his trick so he just talks and plays around with various mounts from the portion he did remember and gives a shout out to his website: because he just added forums and tutorials for beginner and intermediate yo-yo tricks.